


The Totally Cracked End of Lord Voldemort

by vixevilcat7



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:48:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28512924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vixevilcat7/pseuds/vixevilcat7
Summary: The title should basically explain itself and that's about all I can say about this. Alternate universe. Crack/Parody! Nagini is the last Horcrux, Harry isn't.
Collections: vixevilcat7





	The Totally Cracked End of Lord Voldemort

“Enough is enough," yelled Severus Snape. "The madman must die!"

"Yes, I know," replied Headmaster Dumbledore. "But how do we kill him? Harry has already tried several times."

"The snake, you old coot! Kill the snake and the madman can die!" By now, poor Severus had worked himself into a frenzy.

They quickly hatched a knarly plan that really had not a snowball's chance in hell of working but what the hell, they rolled with it. Remus Lupin and his wife, Nymphadora Tonks, were called by Floo. When they were told the plan, they died laughing but still agreed to help.

The next day, a strange couple showed up at the manor of Tom Marvolo Riddle aka Lord Voldemort. He had, it seemed, been overheard wishing to learn how to ballroom dance. He wanted to throw a huge party as soon as he killed that snot nosed little Potter brat. He had his trusty little band of Snatchers out, looking for the little piss ant now.  
Madame and Monsieur Von Wolf Tamer swore up and down that they were the best teachers ever of ball room dancing. While Madame took him upstairs to the practice room, Monsieur stayed downstairs. As they twirled around in circles, Madame constantly complimented him on how well he was doing, though he was dancing on her toes much more than the floor.

Meanwhile, Monsieur had released an entire box of rats downstairs, on the lookout for one bloody huge snake. Nagini heard all the little rustlings and thought Christmas had come early. She quickly shot out of her hiding place and began chowing down. She was much too interested in the rats to notice anyone, therefore it was easy for Monsieur Von Wolf Tamer to chop her up and put her in the woodstove. He burned her up, using Fiendfyre.

He then raced upstairs and signaled Madame. She told Voldy it was time to practice downstairs now. They danced out of the room, waltzed down the hall until they reached the steps. It was there Voldy tripped over his robe and unfortunately fell down two flights of stairs.

Madame Von Wolf Tamer looked at her husband," oh la la, he seems to have ended his lesson early!" they raced down to make sure he was dead. Yep, he was dead, all right. They ran off to start spreading the word.

The reactions of the Death Eaters were very mixed.

Bellatrix Lestrange screamed and cried and threw herself on his funeral pyre.

Rodolphus and Rabastan shrugged and went to planning a trip to climb Mount Everest, a lifelong dream of both. 

Yaxley moved to the country and began his own little sheep farm. 

Dolohov decided he was going to be a world famous chef (like Gordon Ramsey). Hey, if he could scream, curse and terrorize his student chefs, why couldn’t Dolohov? He quickly roped Mulciber into his crazy scheme, in spite of the fact that neither of them had the slightest idea how to even cook! They quickly decided on a name for their cooking show! They called it ‘Chef Antonin present’s “WHAT IN THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL ARE YOU EVEN COOKING!” They grabbed McNair to be their booking agent!

Meanwhile, that trusty band of Snatchers had finally caught up with the Potter brat and his friends. Scabior, that guy liner wearing, bushy haired Snatcher extraordinaire, promptly asked Granger, the bushy headed know it all, to run off to the circus with him. They would wow the world with their antics on the high wire. She happily agreed and they skipped off arm in arm to the nearest circus.

Fenrir Greyback decided he'd been a vicious killer long enough. Now that Moldy Voldy was dead, he could pursue his true dream, and declared his love for Harry Potter. Harry ran away screaming, with a love sick werewolf on his heels.

Ron Weasley promptly went back to Hogwarts and became the infamous Man Whore of Gryffindor to the eternal shame of his little sister, Ginny Weasley. He and Draco Malfoy began a serious competition to see who could earn the most notches on thief bedposts before they graduated.

Snape and Dumbledore celebrated with a whole case of firewhiskey, totally astounded that such a dumb ass, half-cocked plan had actually worked.


End file.
